It is…

Dedicated to all those bad girls who tend to be so hard on themselves… 

That is the sentiment
After so long
In a long time
For so long
Tears swallowed my sleep
And I drowned in
My own pathetic pity
The one I reserve for me
So much allowance
Abundant grace
To have mercy on me
Holy imperfections
The wonder of self
As it is
I see self there
Laying bare in the barrenness
Of not making any sense
Of the senseless
Sometimes ignorance
But most often a choice
For stupidity requires boldness
And courage
To be pure and truthful
Honest and raw.
Who would want to see that?
I hid my face behind my sinful palms
For too long
Bearing water like coconuts
Sweet, fleshy, and fresh;
A faint almost insipid shade of white…
Give away. Give it away.
The coerce filaments hide tenderness.
Are you bold enough to
Cut through?
Sometimes I run
To edge of my own limitations
Hoping that you
Will follow me there.
Are you bold enough to run after?
Or, are you smarter than that?

TMR, June 22, 2012

My First Year of Seminary

It has been a long road, a long ride to get here.  I reflected the other night with a friend about what it is that is needed to live purposefully.  For me it has been the hope and the energy I drive from recognizing that my life has a purpose at all.  God’s call for my life is the driving force of everything I do or not do.  That vision also gives me the courage to do unlikely things, even those things I would prefer not to do.  It was both easy and scary to leave my home behind, a career, friends, and family to pursue a graduate degree that will not guarantee me a job, nor a spot in the high pay scale.  But I can say it has been worth it!

My first year of seminary had been a traumatic experience, in a nut shell. But in the brokenness God has helped us through.  Without going into too much detail, =)  Imagine going to bed thinking all the things you did during the day, your everyday routine, was perfect, and waking up to read the paper to find out that all the events of the day before were all a lie.  Shocker!  You read the Bible and you are angry!  Feeling deceived when you pray until you stop.  Listening to a sermon will never be the same, and you stop listening at all, which includes not going to church. And questioning everything…Everything!  Is Jesus God?  Who is Jesus?  Is it even possible to know him, let alone love him or follow him at all?  Your heroes become villains, sorry St. Paul! Good bye!

And while all this turmoil is going on in your head, heart and soul.  Life decides to throw rocks at you, boulders.  For me a sick child, and love.  Seminary has not been only been a teaching in the academia, but it has also been training for life. To live purposefully, to see, feel and do with intent.  The people around me, I am convinced, have been God sent.  They too have gone through similar and in many cases more traumatic experiences than mine, but that is their story to tell.  I know I will be in this community only for a little while, so I cherish every moment I get to spend here.  To be present in the present, protects me from hurting myself by looking back and subdues the temptation to always be looking way too much into the future.

I have faith my theology about the Bible, the Word, Jesus, the Church will be reconciled sooner than later.  Some of it it is starting to make sense again, in a different way. I PRAY, I do pray that along the way God gives me the strength to press on to the finish line.  I will share here some of the ideas that have become concrete, and the ways I have been changed.

For now to my peeps,  I ended the year with excellent grades, all A’s so far and I thank you for your continued support, love, and prayers! Love ya all! Peace Out!

Zapatos Viejos

Hoy comprendí a mi viejo…
Salte y mis pies
Se cubrieron con
Sus zapatos
De color
Del dolor
Que conocí
Con olor
A lo que di
Fue a ti
Mi amor.

Como se esconde
La Tortuga
Y también quizás
La oruga
La una que carga
La pena
No endereza
La cabeza
Porque pesa
Fluido de razón
Que entiende
Que nada siente
Por que el que miente
Desde el vientre
Espero mi justicia.
La otra que escapa
Después de la ansiedad
De devorar todo as su camino
Mas gruesa
filamentos y nidos
nudos de pelos y cabeza
se rinde
a un cambio mortal
etérea y a la vez real
belleza natural
que no perdura
Madura la pupa
de dura
a frágil
de frígida
a lívida
la vida
aleteando melodías
de primavera alegre
hasta que cae la noche.

Todos terminan allí
En el cementerio de los sueños
Si es que te atreves a encerrarte cuando el misterio te cause miedo
 si te atreves a verte de cerca
dejando ir tu jaula
el aula donde maduras
te liberas. 

“Que tienen estos zapatos Viejos?
Que no los puedo tirar
Aunque tienen agujeros
Los aprecio de verdad
Ellos son mi historia
mi pena y mi Gloria,” canta la Treviño, –ñò
y es que les he agarrado cariño
pues en ellos camine
camino que hice andando
el que me trajo hasta aquí.

©Teresita Matos, mayo 2012